This is becoming a problem

Today we had a guest lecturer from the London Times online division. What should have been a fascinating talk about how to work in online media and advice with dealing with the conversion of print and the internet turned into an overdrawn droll about issues we've all heard about before (the evolution of the newspaper). It didn't help much this speaker had a posh London accent and quite frankly, sounded like an elitist who didn't know the slightest thing about online media.

To occupy myself, I wrote another silly news story relating to the event:

Lecture hall implodes after dry lecture takes places

The Richard Roberts Building on the University of Sheffield campus burst into flames after a lecture took place in the auditorium about the London Times online.

Undergraduate and postgraduate students of the Journalism department and their professors were shaken to their core after the building spontaneously combust like a ticking time clock early Tuesday afternoon.

Twenty-seven students and eight professors were injured by the blast. Those with light injuries were treated on the scene; ten of the students and four of the professors were rushed to the Royal Hallamshire Hospital after sustaining serious injuries.

The blast occurred twenty minutes into the presentation. Flames exploded behind the auditorium doors like effects on a rock band's concert stage and the building shook with a mighty force, causing parts of the ceiling to fall down. The cause for the explosion and pyrotechnics is unknown at this time.

"It was like an earthquake hit," said Gemma Rhodes, 23. "And I know there isn't a fault line running through Sheffield. When I heard the building imploded on its own, I thought it was quiet funny."

One person who did not find the situation humorous was guest lecturer Anne of the Times online.

"I was in the middle of a very important presentation! These students were robbed of my brilliance," Anne said with a London huff.

(She continued to blabber on about her brilliance for another twenty minutes and your dear author thought it to be quite excessive and monotonous and left her mid-conversation to interview another student affected by the blast.)

"She said what?!," posed postgraduate student Sophia Saleh, 33. "That lecture was not... er... never mind. No comment."

For now the Richard Roberts building remains closed for further investigation. No structural damage was sustained during the blast, incredibly enough.

"Yes, it's quite odd. We'll see to the investigation with diligence and speed so the students can get back to class straight away," said the University of Sheffield president.

The building will be closed until further notice. Students with lectures in the building have had those classes cancelled until the building is put properly back together with scotch tape, glue, and a little love.

When asked if there was any chance this blast was caused by a terrorist attack, a University of Sheffield professor, who asked not to be name because he did not want his boss to find out what he said to the press, scoffed.

"This is Sheffield. We're only important because of this university and the Arctic Monkeys. I highly doubt we're on Al-Qaida’s hit list. They probably can't even point out the city on a damn map!," he said.

The police chief of the South Yorkshire Police also does not believe it was a terrorist attack.

"Probably a pipe bomb hidden in plumbing or in a closet or something," he said.

Students have a different opinion of what caused the blast.

"I think it was because we were all bored to tears. The building felt our internal strife to stay awake and not be bored and imploded. It was a simple distraction to get us the heck out of that lecture," said a postgraduate student who asked not to be named because he did not want to get in trouble with the University.

This was the first time in University of Sheffield's history something like this has happened.

~Fini~

When I don't pay attention in class... this happens

Today we had an introductory meeting into our special week of media convergence. We're learning how to put together things to be published on a webpage. (woo-hoo!) In order to take up two hours of our time this morning, the profs decided to submit us to a slow and painful death by letting an old prof (who doesn't even teach my courses) ramble on about his take on media convergence. All was received by our short attention spans was a 24 hour schedule of what news websites and podcasts the guy pays attention too. Wow. Riveting. Shall I come up front and go on about the podcasts I download? And tell everyone they should download the Anderson Cooper video podcast from iTunes/CNN because he is like, the best CNN reporter in years? (NO!)

While we were subjected to this cruel and unusual punishment, I took and opportunity to be silly and news-y by authoring a short sarcastic piece that was relevant to our torture. Enjoy.

Student goes into coma whilst in lecture

A 22-year-old University of Sheffield student fell into a coma caused by boredom after attending a lecture about media convergence week.

The postgraduate student in journalism, who is an international student from the US, came into class today fully awake and with a cup of Starbucks in her hand. Twenty minutes into the lecture, she passed out.

"She was fine five minutes ago!," said friend Sophia Saleh, 33. "Her family is going to be so upset..."

The student, whom her friends asked for her not to be named so as to not ruin her reputation and cause defamation, had no known sleeping illnesses. Nor was she on any medication that could cause a person to randomly fall into a coma.

"It's very strange. I've never seen anything like this happen before," said NHS paramedic Derek Sheppard.

She was taken to Royal Hallamshire Hospital where experts in several medical fields from across the country have flocked to her room to try and figure out what happened to the student.

Word is there is a competition worth money for the doctor who can figure out what happened to the student and how to revive her.

When a comment was seeked by the hospital on her status this afternoon we were told by a head nurse to "bugger off."

As far as we know, she is in stable condition and brain waves are active. This is based on information which a candy stripper leaked after we bribed them.

For now, the student will rest and miss class.

"I'm just jealous it wasn't me. I could use a long nap," said friend Johanna Zimmerman, 23.