Monday, 27 October 2008

I need this old train to breakdown

Who am I? Where am I going? -- these are questions I ask myself everyday. I've gotten to the point where I don't know what my purpose is anymore. Am I meant to be a journalist? A civil servant? A retail worker? A person who has to file bankruptcy at a very tender age?

Everyone I know from England (with an exception of some people in a course that wasn't journalism related) has gotten a bloody job or internship by now. People from my course and broadcast are in New York, yukking it up while I struggle to find something worthy of my MA degree.

I know the economy is failing. (quickly, might I add) I know I have limited journalistic experience except for my blogging habit and what I learned at uni. I know that these two issues are what's stopping me from getting a job. (And maybe because I don't have a license to properly operate a motor vehicle) But why are all these other people lucking out when I have a sharp mind and an eagerness to learn?

I've been looking for a job since December (just here and there) and super actively since August. I've had some interviews, but never any luck past that. It's depressing to be looked over for a job.

I don't know how chronically unemployed people do it. How they don't feel defeated when they don't get a job. They were probably never raised to believe in themselves and set goals, true, but still. Being unemployed sucks.

What I do to fill my days of unemployment is boring too. I apply to either retail or journalism jobs (after spending time searching), then I watch TV or aimlessly click through the infinite space of the internet until it's time to prepare dinner. Then it's back to doing whatever I can find to fill my time. Any opportunity I get to go outside is exciting. I even enjoy going to the grocery store now. I use to hate going to the store! But anything --anything!-- I can do to get my mind off the fact I have $0 to my name, bills to pay, and no job on the horizon is worth it.

I just want to go to sleep and not wake up. Until someone calls me with a fantastic job offer, that is. Then I'll be fully awake and ready to go. But for now I'm just going to bum around my house and think wistfully how life could have been different if only I had changed some things around.