When I came back to England in January after three weeks at home for Christmas, I was indifferent to my occasional swooning for a boyfriend. I was so chuffed to be back with my flatmates and coursemates that I could care less. Now that we're all back into the flow of our everyday lives, I'm starting to care about finding a proper British boyfriend.
There are an enormous number of fit guys here in Sheffield so one would think I wouldn't be complaining. Problem is, the ones that catch my eye usually fall into one of the Five Categories (according to my friend): 1. gay, 2. taken, 3. a jerk, 4. a mama's boy and 5... I can't remember the fifth one. And the huge problem that remains is the fact I'm HORRIBLE with talking to boys unless I a) work with them, or b) they're part of a group project, or c) they're one of my friend's friends. Even then, conversations aren't that varied. I try, really, but I'm not good with coming up with a broad range of convo topics.
I have confessed my utterly dismal performance with chatting up boys to a few of my friends. All give me the same advice: "Just go up and talk to him." UH, HELLOOO that's my problem. I'm too shy to approach the opposite sex (unless necessary) and I have nothing exciting to say!
AND I'm too picky. Do you know why I'm so picky? It's because I've been rejected by guys I thought were good for me and have rejected guys I was blind to see where good for me (one guy especially in the recent past and yes, I'm still kicking myself for that one. It was both our faults... Mais, c'est la vie!). I have taken all the favourable qualities of those past guys and put them in my "list" of what the perfect boy should be like. Oh and I add on whenever I get a crush on a rock star or actor (John Krasinski--now that's the perfect man!)
Thus far (in my advanced age), here is my list of the perfect man:
1. Taller than me (5'6 to 6'2 is good)
2. Thin but not too scrawny
3. Flattering, indie style hair cut (if possible... if not that just a flattering hair cut will do)
4. Nice smile, nice eyes
5. The best sense of humour (and can tell when I'm joking around)
6. Likes indie rock (whether it be the really awfully slow, whiny kind of bands or more mainstream indie like the Killers)
7. Is a liberal (or moderate) and has an opinion on politics
8. Has at least a BA degree and is on some type of respectable career track (or, for example, a really smart musician who has dedicated his life to music but can go on about literature, etc)
9. Isn't afraid to argue about intellectual issues (like Mr. Darcy)
10. Nice personality. Not controlling, not overbearing, polite, and opens the door for me! (like a true gentlemen should--yes, that's right folks, I'm traditional!)
11. Can pick up after himself! OH MY GOD is that so hard to do?? I'm not your mother.
12. Lastly: non-smoker, drug free, and rarely drinks (like one pint when he goes out with his mates and that’s it)
I know you can't tell these things about a guy at a glance, obviously. Sometimes you can't even pick out their personality until you've known them for a while. Now, I can compromise a little on some things (like political affiliation and height); however, it's difficult to know what I will compromise on when I'm so stingy and barely chat to guys.
Another problem I have besides meeting and chatting to a boy is the fact I have low self-esteem. Can you believe it?! (hardy har har) I don’t think I’m particularly pretty at this stage in life (I still look like I’m 18 and still have sporadic flecks of acne) first of all; second of all I cannot find clothes to flatter me or make me look my age because I have such a weird body shape so I will always look too young; and last of all, why would guys be interested in chatting to me when I have such gorgeous friends?
I always seem to make friends with girls that are really pretty, like the girl-next-door-type of pretty or girls who are semi-exotic looking. Why would any guy look at me and think I'm cute over my friends? And trust me, despite what people in the US say; having an American accent in England does not make me more attractive than my friends.
Here’s an example of what happened today to me (and what spurred my thought process for this blog): My friend who is from Germany is very fashionable, tall and pretty. When we went to do a voxpop assignment today, the guys would of course talk to her. When she went to ask two guys from the MA print course (we're on magazine) to answer her question for the voxpop once we re-entered our building (we were outside; and sorry forgot to mention that a voxpop is when you go around and ask a common question that can get a general answer) they were glad to talk to her. Joked around a bit, it was funny. I leaned up against the wall and laughed when appropriate. Then one of the guys (who I’ve seen around and think is pretty fit and after hearing him speak today, I found his accent to be quite cute and made him a little more favourable) said "we'll see you in the next lecture?" which my friend looked at me and we said "sure" and we left to go put our equipment away.
Now why on earth would a guy we've never really spoken to before (despite having some shared core classes) ask her such a question? Because he liked her! DUH. Well we didn't go to the lecture… even thought it would have been VERY interesting to see if those guys sought my German friend out.
I’m making myself more depressed as I write this blog; despite the fact hashing this information out always makes me feel a little down and I am usually able to shrug its lonesome tendencies off my shoulder quite easily. Today, I cannot. I’m not sure why. Maybe because it’s Valentine’s Day this week. Maybe it’s because all my friends who have boyfriends are complaining they’re not getting a Valentine’s Day gift this year. And maybe it’s because I’ve had too many people ask me “have you met any cute guys in England yet?” over a very short amount of time. (By the way, if someone asks me that question one more time, I am going to scream)
I hope I can find comforts in hanging out with my friends again and not think about wanting a boyfriend very soon. These thoughts are a girls’ worst nightmare.